I thought going home to the uk, to be surrounded by all that is familiar, would be grounding. I thought it would give me the confidence I needed to step out into this world alone after the breakup with my ex. I thought it would fill me with love in other ways – from friends and family and comfort.
It did only the latter.
I went back home for two weeks after being over here in Aus for 10 months. That’s the longest I’ve ever spent away from my hometown, and having lived there my whole life it was a big step for me. So understandably, I was looking forward to stepping back into completely familiarity. However, I didn’t find it nearly as comforting as I hoped.
A week after I got back to Australia after the visit, I wrote this in my journal:
“On reflection, it wasn’t my friends and family that gave me the confidence I needed to continue by myself. I think I had it all along. I am far more capable than I give myself credit for.
Going home to visit made me realise just how much more is out there, that my hometown is a bubble and the uk is to me a sadder place to be. Not the worst – I can appreciate that there are many great things about living in England – but right now I’d rather be elsewhere and that’s ok to have realised.”
Horsham is a small town, so of course while I was there I bumped into a lot of people I knew. As I asked each of them how they were doing, what they’d been up to and if there was any news, a pattern occurred. “Ah same shit different day” “same old same old” “nothing new”. It was one of these three responses I got from each and every one of them.
That’s not enough for me.
I want to see the rest of what this beautiful earth has to offer. I want to experience other cultures and meet new people and soak in the views with my own two eyes that I’ve spent so long admiring in photographs. I want to climb mountains – both literal and metaphorical. I want to do things that excite me. And it’s because I want all this that I know I am capable of achieving it.
It’s such a privilege to be able to miss home. To have the means and the courage to explore. To push the comfort zone to its limits all for the sake of a little more knowledge and understanding.
That trip home was a huge comfort. It showed me that love transcends time and distance because the friendships I’ve built and kept are ones I can return to like I was never gone in the first place. It reassured me that my family will always be there, loving from afar. It also confirmed that I really don’t like the cold.
So, Australia, I hope you don’t mind me staying.
